New apps part of autistic kids’ therapy.

Solution: Consider the following video guide to a child’s social skills and executive function development:

Learn more at www.mysosh.com

Couple develops app to help with social anxiety.

Sōsh™ is the new word in social skills development. It is also a mobile application designed to help ‘tweens, teens and young adults improve social skills. Sōsh is especially developed to be used by individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome. Dr. Mark Bowers, a pediatric psychologist, in conjunction with a counseling psychologist, developed the application – moving social skills training into the high tech, mobile app world.

In this video blog, learn how to Relax using The Shredder to eliminate unwanted thoughts.  It is a fun and effective way to relieve stress.  The Shredder is available as a standalone app from the full Sōsh app for a fun and effective way to relax and reduce stress.

This approach to social skills has not been available until now.  Individuals using the app learn to: practice conversation strategies, relax, pursue social opportunities, recognize feelings, make successful transitions, journal progress, eliminate negative thoughts, monitor behavior, and regulate speech volume, to name some of the many features.  In fact, Sōsh contains over 60 well-designed and engaging screens of exercises, strategies, and practical information to improve social interactions.

With exercises, strategies, and a wealth of practical information regarding social skills, Sōsh will assist the user every step of the way. The Sōsh app is available in the iTunes app store. Visit mysosh.com for a full review of the app’s potential to improve social skills.

• “This is a marvelous autism app.  I haven’t seen anything like it.”
• “It is one sweet app, is strength-based and best in breed; an app that is both dignified, and appeals to kids’ strengths while building social skills at the same time. Finally, something my tween will want!”
• “Sōsh gives you virtually every tool you could possibly have in one electronic iPhone toolbox. It’s the Swiss Army knife of apps!”
• “This app is the most comprehensive electronic and portable toolbox for social skills development!”

For individuals ages 9 to 22 years old with Asperger’s Syndrome, difficulty with social interactions is a leading cause of stress and one of the most common calls for help.  With over 60 screens of exercises, strategies, and practical information regarding social skills, the Sōsh app will assist with social skill development, and provide feedback and tools for parents, teachers and therapists.   Examples include tools to relieve stress, guidance for appropriate social behaviors, and self-monitoring capabilities. The app is available in the iTunes app store.

About The Developer

Dr. Mark Bowers is a Pediatric Psychologist in Ann Arbor, Michigan.  He specializes in neurodevelopmental diagnoses (i.e., Autism, Asperger’s, ADHD, and Learning Difficulties) and he is an expert in social skills.  Dr. Bowers has contributed to articles in WebMD magazine, Scholastic, and Parenting: The Early Years.  In addition to developing the Sōsh mobile app, he is the author of the book Sōsh: Improving Social Skills with Children and Adolescents.  Visit http://www.mysosh.com for a full review of the app’s potential to improve social skills.

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–Dr. Bowers

By Carolyn Buchanan | December , 2010

What does Owen want for Christmas? That question begins arriving in my e-mail inbox every year right around this time from well-meaning relatives and friends. They’re looking for a suggestion of what to give my son to make their holiday shopping list more manageable. But they also want to find something he’ll get a kick out of. (The same sort of question pops up around his birthday, too.) This year, I’m trying a new answer: “Owen doesn’t need any more things. How about if you give him the gift of . . . you?

I’m suggesting to friends and family that they spend an afternoon with my son, sharing a hobby, an interest, or a talent of theirs that will make the day memorable and unique. “The gift of time is always the most important thing you can give to a child,” says Mark Bowers, Ph.D., a pediatric psychologist at the Ann Arbor (MI) Center for Development & Behavioral Pediatrics. “When children look back on their childhoods, they’re much more likely to remember events than objects.”  In this article is a guide to offer to relatives and friends that they can use for connecting with your child. (You can also use it yourself with your nephews, nieces, or other children.) All of the suggestions we offer are budget-friendly! As always, it’s important to coordinate any plans with the gift-receiver’s parent in advance.

Read entire article here.

When Dylan Bocanegra was three, he blamed the family’s cat, Bamboo, for practically everything, recalls his mom Eva-Marie Fredric, a producer in Los Angeles.

Crayon scrawled all over the living room walls? Bamboo did it. Plastic bottle flushed down the toilet? Bamboo did it. Smoke rising from the TV set? Yup, it was you-know-who.

“Like most toddlers, Dylan had a vivid imagination and told tall tales,” Fredric says. “Our cat became the scapegoat for everything he did.”

That was years ago — Dylan is now a teen. But some things never change — plenty of preschoolers, then and now, do like he did and stretch the truth.

True Lies

Preschoolers (aged 3-5) are learning to grasp the line between reality and fantasy. Telling a fib or tall tale is not an unusual way to explore this boundary at this age. Parents are often hardwired to react hotly to what they see as a lie, but this may not always be the best way to handle the situation.

“At age 3, it’s often when parents will say, ‘Gosh, my child is lying. I don’t know what to do,” says Tanya Remer Altmann, MD, FAAP, pediatrician and author of Mommy Calls: Dr. Tanya Answers Parents’ Top 101 Questions About Babies and Toddlers. “But it’s a fuzzy line between what’s real and what’s in their imagination.”

Let’s say that your 3-year-old spilled milk on the floor. You ask, “Who spilled it?” and your child says, “Not me.” It’s not that your child is lying, Altmann says. She may wish she didn’t spill it, or if the spill took place an hour ago, she might not even remember spilling it.

Anyone under age 5 is too young to understand what a lie is, says Mark Bowers, PhD, pediatric psychologist in Ann Arbor, Mich. They don’t have the same cognitive capacity as a kindergarten-age kid who begins to learn the difference between right and wrong.

“You don’t have a future criminal on your hands because your child’s not ‘fessing up to spilling the milk in the kitchen,” Bowers says.

Laying Down the Ground Rules

If you catch your child drawing on the walls, you may be tempted to confront her: “Are you the one who did this?” Chances are she’ll say “no” because she doesn’t want to make you mad or get in trouble.

It’s better to state what the rule is and offer a solution, Bowers says. For example, “We have a rule in this house that we only draw on paper. So why don’t we get some soap and you can help Daddy clean it up.”

To avoid accusations, he advocates a Columbo approach, or playing dumb. Within your child’s earshot, you can say: “Oh, I wonder how this milk got spilled? It would really be nice if somebody could help me clean it up.”

After your kid comes over and helps you, give him a high five for helping out.

“These are teaching opportunities to show your child what they should do in the future,” Altmann says. “Unless it’s really serious, stay away from punishment and turn it into a learning opportunity.”

Superheroes, Disneyland, and Tall Tales

Creativity is at a high point from age 3 to 5, Bowers says.

Imaginary play is part of a child’s natural growth and development. You start to see imaginary friends, superhero fantasies, wishful thinking, and talk about places your child has never been, like Disneyland. You can help nurture your child’s imagination while teaching them the importance of honesty.

Don’t worry if your child details a fictitious trip to Disneyland. Simply respond by saying, “Well, you know, we haven’t been to Disneyland yet, but if we did go, what would you want to do?”

“Whenever possible, have fun with them,” Bowers says. “Join them so they can pursue what’s in their imagination.”

Preschoolers often stretch the truth to get your attention. You can encourage your child to tell the truth, says Fran Walfish, PsyD, a child and family psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent.

One way she suggests is saying to your child: “You have such a wonderful imagination and when you say A, B, or C, I can’t always tell if it’s your imagination or if it’s real. The thing that is most important, that makes a person feel safe between two people, is when we tell the truth and always say what’s real.”

Be Positive, Don’t Judge

“It’s very important to be able to gently, without judgment, put accountability where it belongs,” Walfish says. “You have to bust your child in a nice way.”

Use language your preschooler can understand. For example, you might say: “It’s hard sometimes to tell Mommy that you did it. You say the cat did it because you’re worried about Mommy being mad at you. But you and I both know the cat can’t do it. I’m the kind of Mommy that wants to hear that you did it and then we can talk about other ways you can get my attention.”

Altmann recommends using positive phrasing. “Say ‘it’s important to tell the truth’ instead of saying, ‘Oh, you lied.’ I would urge parents not to say that,” she says.

Stay away from the negative stigma of calling your child a liar, Walfish says. It labels the child, makes her feel bad and that she has to hide things from you.

“You want to keep the connections open so that your child can tell you anything,” Walfish says.

You don’t have to wait for these types of situations to crop up. Bowers suggests reading books together that encourage honesty, such as The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

How did Fredric get her son, Dylan, to stop his fibbing? She used a cat hand puppet and a different voice to get him to ‘fess up to the truth.

At the puppet’s prompting, he admitted to things he did, apologized, and gave his mom a big hug. “It actually made him feel safe to tell the truth,” Fredric says. “He didn’t worry about getting in trouble.”

SOURCES:

©2005-2007 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.

When it comes to determining the presence of OCD in children, the following need to be considered:

Children and adolescents with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) suffer intensely from recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) or rituals (compulsions), which they feel they cannot control. Rituals such as hand washing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these rituals, however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety. Left untreated, obsessions and the need to perform rituals can take over a person’s life.

It looks like this:

The Sequence of OCD Symptoms:

1) Evoking Event

2) Obsessing Begins

3) Distress & Anxiety

4) Urge to Ritualize

5) Ritualizing

6) Relief and Self-Criticism

While the onset of obsessive-compulsive disorder usually occurs during adolescence or young adulthood, younger children sometimes have symptoms that look like OCD.  However, the symptoms of other disorders, such as ADD, autism, and Tourette’s syndrome can also look like obsessive-compulsive disorder, so a thorough medical and psychological exam is essential before any diagnosis is made.  It is also important to note that OCD is an anxiety disorder, and in children, the symptoms of anxiety usually change over time.  So a child with OCD symptoms will not necessarily have OCD as an adult.  What is most important is to make environmental and behavioral changes to help reduce your child’s anxiety and provide support, yet do not give in to the anxiety or change your routine significantly in response to it.  Remember, some anxiety is good..it tells us when we need to fight or flee.  Making too many accommodations for your child’s anxieties will only serve to reinforce the fears.  As the old saying goes:  If you see a ghost in a graveyard, you should run toward it.  This is the essence of exposure and response prevention treatment for OCD, which will be detailed in future blog postings.

Dr. Mark Bowers is a Licensed Pediatric Psychologist at the Ann Arbor Center for Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Staying home will do nothing more than exacerbate the current feeling (I don’t need to go to a group or be social).  Instead, the behavior must come before the desired feeling.  Specifically, individuals must attend the football game or they must attend the dance before they can begin to truly experience the feeling of improved self-esteem, for example.  Most of my clients, although they object to this initially, return to my office to inform me that although going to the dance or football game was the very last thing that they wanted to do on that particular evening, once they were there it was not so bad and they actually ended up enjoying themselves.  Keep in mind that although I use dances and sports games as examples, the behaviors preceding the mood applies to all ages: going to the playgroup, playground, birthday party, etc.

I think it’s also important to illustrate that we must take the pressure of social skills off of these individuals.  In other words, there is no expectation when we are just getting started with making impressions other than the individual simply must attend events.  That’s it, plain and simple: attend the event or activity.  I don’t care if you talk to anyone.  I don’t care if you make any eye contact with anyone.  We have plenty of time to work on that.  One of the biggest hurdles that I see is getting my clients to leave their home because they often do not feel like it.  This is the time that I remind individuals that the behavior must often precede the mood.

This is important because individuals who are feeling dejected or otherwise depressed in any manner may not have the energy, confidence, or motivation to make that initial leap into the social world.  My response is that continuing to avoid the social world only exacerbates the current difficulties.  I am not asking for these individuals to go out on any particular evening or to attend any particular event and come home with a new friend or social group.  I am simply asking that they be seen in the social environment and thus make an impression.  The behavior preceding the mood is important because these individuals may not feel like being social on any particular evening.  In fact, this often perpetuates the addiction cycle of video games as a self-medicating remedy.  Indeed, they will use video games as means of avoidance or as an excuse for why they won’t attend (“I don’t want to go because I’m really into this game…don’t bother me!”).

Client after client returns to my office to tell me that although they were very upset with me and did not want to go to the school dance or football game they took a risk (with the help of sufficient support and encouragement) and they went.  Although they felt ‘awful’ prior to attending the event, once they were there they realized it wasn’t so bad.  Further, the strategy of simply being in the social environment paid off because there were no pressures to achieve any outcome other than attendance.  I know we would all like to jumpstart this process and in our typical American fashion get to the outcome quicker and without much work.  Unfortunately, it does not work that way when dealing with social interactions.  If you are not prepared to take the preliminary steps you will not be successful.  If you rush this process you will not be successful.  Take your time and be willing to take a risk.  Some discomfort is inevitable before progress can be achieved.

“Progress always involves risk; you can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” –Frederick Wilcox

Dr. Mark Bowers is a Licensed Pediatric Psychologist at the Ann Arbor Center for Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

© 2009 Mark Bowers, Ph.D.

• Increase predictability at home.  This involves some scheduling, although flexibility should be allowed.  For teens who need to catch up on some sleep, there should be parameters such as “awake by noon” but no need to be so scheduled (“Be up by nine because I said so!”) that arguments are inevitable .  The more that children know what to expect, the less stress that will result when making transitions.
• Have a portion of each day scheduled but plan the rest of the time with the child by allowing for their input.  You may need to offer a list of suggestions for them to choose from, but you should not be trying to win the contest for Entertainer of the Year.  thus, it is not your responsibility to ensure that your child is having fun all the time!  It may be useful to have a written or picture schedule for some children.  This is especially helpful when you are resting in the afternoon and your child comes to you to say, “I’m booooored!”  You can calmly refer them to the schedule and add, “I know you will figure out something fun to do from all those options, honey.”
• Keep an eye on your own stress level as there is a trickle down effect.  As we reunite with family, all of those fun dynamics from childhood tend to surface.  Children generally have fewer demands on them during breaks which is why they tend to do better behaviorally.  If you need a break from your relatives, then don’t over schedule.  Your kids will pick up on your stress and react accordingly.
• Remember to limit television time.  I know this sounds crazy.  After all it serves as an effective pacifier and most parents will ignore this suggestion.  However, trying to get the child away from the TV after they are allowed unlimited viewing will not likely be met with willingness from the child.  The recommendation for television viewing during the holidays is 1-2 hours each day (which includes other screen time such as computers and video games).  Some children can effectively manage more, other cannot.  Certainly, exceptions can be made for holiday movies, family videos, etc.  The general rule is to keep an eye on the time, though, because school will again be in session and the child will then have to “detox” from all the television viewing as they begin to focus on the “boring” schoolwork again.  Maybe reading a fun book in exchange for some of that TV time might keep the old brain cells fresh and sharp?
• Whenever possible, prepare the child in advance for holiday visits.  If only someone would prepare you!  It never hurts to discuss who will be there, what will take place (as much as you can anticipate before the first family argument occurs), and how long the visit will last.  Children with sensory issues may need an escape plan that can be determined upon arriving to the party or gathering (or in advance if the location is familiar).  The child can use this “escape” for a set period of time to regulate him/herself and then must return to the gathering.  Bring a familiar item from home if your child is anxious about these visits.  Also, talk to your family members in advance and if your child is shy or anxious, remind them to let the child warm up and not force hug, kisses, etc. upon greeting the child.
• Finally, prepare the child for transitions.  My colleague, Dr. Rick Solomon, has devised 20 Transition Tricks that he recommends for parents who have a child who cannot shift easily from one activity to another.  His general rule of thumb is to acknowledge the child’s feeling of not wanting to transition but then to begin to prepare them for what awaits.  There are a variety of strategies such as time warnings, use of humor, and bribes-but ultimately the child needs to go where we need them to or there will be a consequence.  Try to avoid these control battles whenever possible, though, and with some scheduling and preparation this will hopefully be a safe and happy holiday for everyone!  If it’s not the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” then join the club.  By keeping expectations reasonable and being able to laugh off some of the family dynamics that play themselves out across most households, this may result in the impression of a relaxing and enjoyable holiday!

Dr. Mark Bowers is a Licensed Pediatric Psychologist at the Ann Arbor Center for Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

© 2009 Mark Bowers, Ph.D.

Unfortunately now I know better.  Self-esteem is at risk the moment a child enters preschool or daycare.  It just looks different.  Kids as young as preschool age can be heard telling each other, ‘I don’t want to be your friend,” or “I don’t like you.”  I recently listened to one of my colleagues recount how when her son was younger he came home one day and told her, “Johnny told me that he didn’t want to be my friend!”  She recalled how she bit her lip and was ready to give him a big hug as he was surely on the verge of tears.  She put her ‘poker face’ on and asked her son, “What did you say?”  Her son responded in a matter-of-face tone, “Who cares!?”

There has to be something to that response.  Some kids are simply born with a suit of armor that can repel these meaningless comments while others are devastated at the very thought of anyone not liking them.  Self-esteem begins to be chipped away each day in school whether a child is having a difficult time with math, or reading, or friendships, or basically anything that the child begins to internalize as making them ‘defective’ or ‘flawed’ in any way.  This is the same reason why the notion of a child being deemed ‘lazy’ by their teacher is ridiculous.  Kids are absolutely devastated when they cannot keep up in class, don’t answer a question correctly, take longer than their peers to complete an assignment or test…the list goes on and on…  You tell me how that is lazy.

So what is self-esteem and how can we help our kids achieve and maintain it?  My favorite definition comes from a pioneer in the field of psychology, William James.  He defined self-esteem with the following equation: Self-Esteem = Success/Pretensions (or Success divided by Pretensions).

Pretensions are viewed as goals, purposes, or aims, whereas Successes constitute the perception of the attainment of those goals.  Thus, we essentially decide in our own minds when we have achieved success based on our own expectations for that success.  When self-esteem begins to suffer is when an individual comes up short in his or her perception of reaching a particular goal, especially when the individual compares his or her achievement of a goal against the achievement of others.   So, for the child who either tells himself (or hears it from his parents) that he must get straight A’s and then gets a ‘B’ in gym class only to be outdone by one of his academic rivals, self-esteem has just taken a ‘hit.’   Whereas the child who really struggles in gym class and has lower expectations but eventually achieves a ‘B’ in the class may have a rise in self-esteem.

The bottom line, which is as important for adults as it is for kids, is that we have to have multiple ‘columns’ or ‘pillars’ of support to our self-esteem.  If we rest all of our esteem on how well we do in school and then do lousy on a test, then we are in trouble.  This is why I strongly encourage kids to pursue a variety of interests beginning in middle school even if they only end up liking a few things.  I don’t expect that they will like everything they try, but having at least a few new interests to add to the old can insulate them down the road if just one of their previous interests does not go well.

Imagine that I, a pediatric psychologist, enter a contest and win the opportunity to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game.  I practice a little so that I don’t embarrass myself on the big day and then the day arrives.  I step up on the mound, try a bit of a wind up, and throw a wild pitch that sends the catcher scrambling and draws jeers from the fans.  It’s all in good fun and I laugh it off.  Why don’t I hang my head and beat myself up about this?  Why hasn’t my self-esteem suffered?  Well, for starters I am not a trained professional pitcher so why should I be expected to throw an accurate pitch from that distance?  But what if I were and I performed the same way?  Then my self-esteem might be in jeopardy because my pretensions are different.

The young boy I discussed earlier comes to mind.  As a psychologist, my reaction to my wild pitch can safely be “who cares?”  There are plenty of other things I do well and my pretensions for throwing the ball well were low.  As a result, not achieving success was okay.  This is exactly why we need to have multiple pillars of support.  If my entire self-concept is tied up in how knowledgeable and helpful I am as a psychologist, and a child comes to see me that I can’t seem to get through to, then I might beat myself up and question my competence.  However, if I go home to my family that night and watch as my daughter runs to greet me and play with me, I am reminded that there is more to me and my self-concept than what I do at work.  Adults as much as kids run into this problem and it gets them into big trouble.  The workaholic father, for example, who is so angry with his family every night because he can never truly be successful at work due to his extremely high pretensions.  His goals are too lofty and as a result he cannot find happiness in other areas…work is his only pillar of esteem and he has little energy left for much else.  Kids need to be reminded multiple times each day of their lives to find successes in what they do and increase the chances of that by doing a variety of different things.  A bad day at school is only devastating when the pretensions of how school should go are set too high.

Often what I worry about with the kids I treat is that they have suffered too many losses of esteem and don’t like the feeling anymore.  As a result, they fall into the cycle of avoidance.  Indeed, in their minds they think: With no attempt there can be no failure; with no failure no humiliation.

So our self-feeling in this world depends entirely on what we back ourselves to be and do. It is determined by the ratio of our actualities to our supposed potentialities; a fraction of which our pretensions are the denominator and the numerator is our success: thus…

Self-Esteem = Success/Pretensions.  Self-esteem is ultimately increased by increasing our successes in life while also decreasing our pretensions.  I would strongly encourage all of us to keep our pretensions realistic and not depend on too much success in any one particular area of our lives.  The more we spread it out, the safer we are or the more intact our self-esteem remains.  Keep your options varied and open and don’t lose sight of what you are good at, even when you have a bad day and one of your columns of support happens to collapse on that particular day.

Dr. Mark Bowers is a Licensed Pediatric Psychologist at the Ann Arbor Center for Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

© 2009 Mark Bowers, Ph.D.

Posted in Child Development, Parenting, School, Uncategorized Tagged: adolescents, children, self-esteem, teens ]]> http://drbowers.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/self-esteem-in-kids/feed/ 0 drmark http://drbowers.wordpress.com/2009/11/08/social-skills-part-i-impressions-and-being-out-and-about/ http://drbowers.wordpress.com/2009/11/08/social-skills-part-i-impressions-and-being-out-and-about/#comments Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:06:31 +0000 drbowers http://drbowers.wordpress.com/?p=158 Continue reading →]]>

This is the first in an ongoing series I will be presenting on Social Skills.  I spend a significant portion of my clinical practice working with children and teens on social skills.  Many parents are curious about my approach and philosophy on teaching social skills, so I thought I would begin posting my thoughts on the matter (in no specific order).  I will being by discussing ‘impressions’ and the initial need to be seen and not heard.

I often discuss social interactions as similar to advertising impressions.  For example, when businesses buy billboard advertising on the side of highways, they often first collect statistics on how many “impressions” their billboard location has on a particular day.  The advertisers want to know specifically how many individuals will see their advertisement over the course of a day, week, month, or year.

Individuals with social skills difficulties often become dejected and suffer a loss of self-esteem when they make one or perhaps even a handful of attempts at engaging others in a social interaction and these attempts are unsuccessful.  I am often able to use my advertising analogy with my clients who will begin to understand that not every person who drives by the Pepsi billboard on the highway is going to purchase that particular product.

When the available options for friendships is smaller such as in an elementary school, certainly the stakes are higher and each impression that is made must count.  However, I often coach my high school-age clients that they cannot expect to sit in their basement playing video games every weekend and then come into my office wondering why they are not more popular in school.  We often discuss the ‘content and process’ approach to social interactions which can be loosely applied to various junior high school and high school activities.

For example, I may work with individuals who have little interest in sports especially when it comes to participating in them.  However, anyone who has attended high school is well aware of the fact that, especially during the fall and early winter months, the place to be is the local high school football game on Friday night.  When it comes to “impressions” such as those found in advertising, being seen even if not heard is a basic starting block for my clients.

I have to remind these individuals to relax initially and just be there rather than try to initiate interactions with others or practice social skills techniques they may have learned by reading a book or from a counseling session or group.  I am generally opposed to social skills techniques being ‘taught’ because the nature of individuals with social difficulties is to study and memorize something in a rote fashion or linear manner and social interactions are far from rote or linear.  More on that topic in a future posting…

Indeed, although these individuals would love nothing more than to reduce social interactions down into a mathematical formula where there is a very specific path that must be followed in order to reach the appropriate or correct outcome, social interactions are generally not linear or rote, and are instead fluid and contain millions of variables and exponents that might be comparable to the mathematical variable of ^∏ (Pi).  Thus, I want my clients to begin their experimentation into the social world by making impressions.  In order to do this, they must be out and about.

Dr. Mark Bowers is a Licensed Pediatric Psychologist and Autism/Anxiety expert at the Ann Arbor Center for Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics in Ann Arbor, Michigan.  Learn more about his Social Skills groups here.

© 2009 Mark Bowers, Ph.D.

• Aspies are usually the offspring of Asperger’s fathers who are socially shy and usually have careers in engineering, computers, accounting, or the math/science fields.  The moms of Aspies tend to be teachers, social worker types who are very outgoing, social, and often Type A or ‘organized’ personalities.
• Siblings of Aspies tend to be gifted/talented, have ADHD or OCD features, or even have anorexia diagnoses (there is a perfection element somewhere in the gene pool).
• Group projects in school are one of the biggest difficulties because of the social element.  This is the same reason why Aspies do so well in solitary occupations like computer programming but then begin to struggle when they are promoted to management.  Aspies do not manage people and social interactions well.
• We don’t give Aspies enough credit for how hard they work during the school day.  They keep it together during school and then ‘fall apart’ or are completely exhausted when they return home.  They work at least three times as hard to keep up with the social environment inherent in the school setting.  REMEMBER: Aspies need to learn both academics and social skills in school while neurotypicals only need to learn academics (the social aspect comes naturally).  Imagine the energy differences between the two groups after the same school day!
• Aspies in history were found in monasteries or were carpenters, jewelery/watch makers, and explorers.
• Young Aspies may look like children but they act like adults.  Their social difficulties attract bullies as well as female peers who are the ‘caregiver’ type.
• We usually make the error of telling Aspies, “I shouldn’t have to tell you…” when in fact we have to instruct them every step of the way when it comes to social interactions.  Remember to use logic, not punishment.
• Aspies value intelligence more than anything.
• When trying to get an Aspie to stop a behavior, use their desire for intellect to your advantage.  For example, if your child has difficulty sharing, try telling him, “Smart people share.”  Sometimes Aspies will hear foul language and repeat it without knowing the meaning behind it.  Telling the child, “Smart people don’t use those words” will usually do the trick.  The other technique is to exaggerate your response to the word such as holding your hands over your ears if your child repeats something inappropriate and yelling “Ouch!  That hurts my ears!”
• Aspies often tune out during class lectures or social situations because their thought is, “If this is not one of my strong interests then why should I involve myself with it?”
• The rigidity in thinking inherent among Aspies also creates difficulty converting thoughts and emotions into speech (communicating feelings) as well as getting thoughts from one’s head onto paper for a report in school, for example.
• As the chronological age of the Aspie increases, the emotional, maturational, and social development stays at a younger level.  Younger neurotypical siblings will eventually surpass their older sibs in social and emotional development.
• Aspies look at the action, not at the motives of the action.  So when they are ‘hit’ by a peer who was giving them a joking tap on the shoulder, they tend to retaliate because their thinking says, “He hit me, I ‘m going to hit him back!”  Guess who ends up in the principal’s office?
• The nature and severity of Aspie symptoms vary dramatically from day-to-day.  This is a ‘swiss-cheese’ developmental presentation with no clear, consistent pattern.  This not only complicates the diagnosis, but schools often try to argue that a child does not have Asperger’s because of having ‘good’ days at times.  They also say things like ‘he is so smart’ or ‘he makes good eye contact.’  Parents often know that a particular day is a ‘good one’ versus a full-on ‘Aspie day’.  Also, full moons actually seem to have an effect on severity of symptoms!
• Aspies misinterpret behaviors.  An adult may raise their voice to be heard in a crowded room or to make a point.  An Aspie will always see shouting as anger and thus the reasons for raising one’s voice must be explored in depth.
• If your Aspie child is upset, consider the following:

• People are confusing to Aspies.  Thus, you want to eliminate the social context when the child is upset.  This is not the time for a face-to-face chat…face the wall if you need to!  (Dr. Mark sits to the side of the child and speaks in the same direction the child is looking..don’t worry about eye contact at this moment!).
• Tell the child, “I don’t need to know what happened right now.”
• Keep emotionally calm yourself.  Adding your own emotion at this time is like pouring gas on a fire.  Be sure to tell the child, “I’m not upset with you.”
• Begin helping the child to calm down by suggesting closing their eyes, deep breathing, and other relaxation strategies.
• Compliment the child and give them something to look forward to.  “I think you handled this situation with intelligence and I know that the next time you are upset you will do another good job.  What do you say we go look at your book of the planets?!”

• Children with Asperger’s should be allowed to complete a project on emotions/social skills at least one hour each week while in school beginning in Kindergarten through 12 years of age.  Schools need to do a better job of teaching these children the Hidden Curriculum.
• For every hour an Aspie is social, they need about an hour to unwind and decompress.  Thus, there is not enough time to unwind after a full school day.  Ever wonder why the stress level is so high during the school week?  How about the trouble getting homework completed?

Dr. Mark Bowers is a Licensed Pediatric Psychologist and Autism/Anxiety expert at the Ann Arbor Center for Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

© 2009 Mark Bowers, Ph.D.